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The Hidden Fortress

HEL'S DADDY'S KITCHEN


Mackie
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(the blue text was the intro, the game starts with the black font.)

 

HAMBURG ...

 

It wasn’t too often that Mackie had formal dinners in her house, that too with ‘grown ups’ as guests. Yesterday she had put everything together. It had taken her till 4 in the morning but now her fridge was stacked.

 

The next morning, she woke up around noon. When she stepped out of the bathroom she heard cheerful whistling. Loki. He brought a smile to her lips till she noticed he was eating.

“Morning,” said Loki. “Want to nibble?”

“Nibble?” Mackie whispered. That was tiramisu on his plate. THE tiramisu which was supposed to be the dessert de force tonight. Except four-fifths of it was in Loki’s tummy.

Mackie felt a dark wave of premonition. “What have you not eaten?” she asked in a quavering voice.

Loki looked startled. “Not eaten? I ate everything. Why would you want my leftovers?”

 

A LITTLE WHILE LATER IN A PLACE NEAR ASGARD …

 

“She did what?” Hel’s voice screeched powerfully through her royal hall. “How dare she tell you that you are not allowed to step foot in her kitchen?” Hel raged. “How DARE she?”

“I wish I could cast a spell on that kitchen", said Loki,"so that she can’t step a foot inside it. It’d serve her right.”

Hel’s eyes twinkled. “Now there’s an idea…” she said.

 

BACK IN HAMBURG …

 

Mackie took a deep breath. She would begin by figuring out what was left of her beautifully-planned meal. Mackie walked up to the kitchen but the moment she put her foot through the door, she pulled it back with a start because it felt like it was burning. A message appeared on the door written in fiery letters: Hel’s Daddy’s Kitchen.

 

Mackie gulped and turned around immediately. Then she went to the computer and typed out an email to her gang at the Fort: “HELP!”

 

 

A WHILE LATER …

 

The doorbell rang and someone started pounding immediately. Dr. David Von Pfill shouted, "I smell disaster, my dear! Probably used too much brandy on the pêches flambées - flambées challenge amateur chefs."

 

Mackie dropped the heavy and smoking skillet accidently on her toe. She yelped, and yelled furiously. Dr. Pfill's ears turned red. "This skillet is not atune with the cosmic forces," he muttered, scuttling out of the building.

 

But relief was only a moment away. Mackie saw with delight how her friends rallied to their mirrors and popped into her hallway in a blink of her purple disco ball lamp.

 

"DAMN this mirror crap!!!!!"

 

The unexpected, male voice added, "Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon - Goli sent me to prepare everything - get the f - - - out of moi way."

 

"Charming!" said Hot Sex Fairy. "You are looking quite...raw." TWANG's fig-leaf underwear showed unusual signs of impressive projectile expansion towards the fairy's pliable personality.

 

"Screw THAT - let's COOK!!!!"

 

With a sinking feeling, Mackie watched Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon open a large and somewhat ominous volume, "Chef TWANG International", mumbling softly, "Haggis, haggis …", grunt ,"need fusion haggis!" Her feelings solidly grounded, Hot Sex Fairy seethed, switching the plastic bag with groceries containing Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon's secret ingredients for a slightly less stuffed version lacking "mu shu marmalade". Within five seconds she added her own marmalaid, a few "special" spices, nutsmag, sinamong, rushmarry etc.

 

Those spices, she knew, would stimulate appetites other than the mere gustatory pleasures favored by the pedestrian humans she was forced, as penance for certain pranks she had perpetrated upon the unamused population, to dwell amongst.

 

Loki whispered to Dr. David von Pfill, "Quick, come into the house - don't bother knocking!" Dr. von Pfil tiptoed past the women so as not to get involved in the discussion about the tomatoes, cucumbers, beans, and gulped at Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon's attire. The moment he reached the kitchen door von Pfill stopped in shock and shouted, "Twit - put some olio virgine on that - "

 

"It's TWANG - who the-"

 

"Put him out there", purred Hot Sex Fairy, looking very sweaty in her furry little pink bunny outfit.

 

 

TWANG found himself facing a pair of sweating faces. Mackie's guests would be arriving within the hour and nothing was anywhere near being ready – this f- - - ing Dr. Drivel von Pill was driving him to distraction - f----ing Goli's f--- ing OctoDog machine was falling apart - HELL!!!!

 

"Yes, TWANG?" Hel's pale eyes were staring in shock at the half-made OctoDogs hanging from an outraged Dr. David von Pfill's outstretched hand, and her complexion, half rose-petal, half blueish-black, took a turn for the greenish. "Get those utterly vomit-inducing pretenses for wieners out this kitchen before my daddy gets any crazy ideas about them."

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"F---ing wieners?" Loki grinned, "Remember when you asked me where to stick –" – "SILENCE!!!!" roared Mackie.

 

Loki raised an eyebrow and said saccharine-sweet, "Nervous - OUCH!!!"

 

The machine hit Hel and exploded, showering greasy metal fragments on everyone that was standing in the crowded hall – when TWANG threw it.

 

"You fucking dumb-ass nitwit!"

 

"ME!?!" screamed Dr. David von Pfill, "YOU are the one who hurled - inappropriately and inexpertly - this technically outdated and most probably made-in-Texas wiener-former, thus preceding insult with injury - no non-Bavarian wiener-former should be permitted to explode like that!"

 

Hel fainted. Looking puzzled, Loki said," I hope she did not fall on anything that would make her give me any aggro."

 

"Men are all flaming amateurs in the kitchen" said Mackie, as she stood kitchen-less, glaring at the three stooges just entering.

 

"Moi sous-chefs!" Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon proudly announced, ignoring the remains of the Octo-dogs still dangling decoratively from von Pfill's fingers.

 

"Our appetizers!" The newly arrived sous-chefs, Cursey, Lazy and Belch, appointed by Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon himself, advanced toward Herr Doctor David von Pfill.

 

"Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!" They neatly plucked Octo-dogs from von Pfill, pulling more from behind of the handtruck Lazy dragged into the room full of kitchen paraphernalia and ornamental collectibles with TWANG's logo in puke-green and purple. They entered the kitchen, shoving Doctor David von Pfill ahead of them, while the Hot Sex Fairy perched on the handtruck, on Loki's lap; Hel dissolved into yellow-green smoke and drifted along the floor in serpentine coils.

 

"Partytime!" Loki opened the oven door and sniffed.

 

"Moi f---ing szechuan-guacamole-chèvre soufflé!" Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon pushed him rudely away. "IT F---ING FELL!!!!!!!" – "I'll eat it anyway," said the three stooges, extending greedy paws. With the puke-green and purple pulp on their fingers, the three proceeded to turn a queasy green, emitted a three-fold hiccup, and slid down the wall, coming to sit rather abruptly.

 

Belch did. So did Cursey. Lazy slapped Cursey. Belch slapped the yellow-green smoke and all Hel broke loose.

 

"Is there a doctor in the house?" yelled von Pfill as the others were frantically ducking away.

 

Mackie groaned, "Aren't there any aspirines in the soufflé?"

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Loki chuckled and Hel clouted him hard on the chin. Before things could escalate, Mackie stepped in – banging her head on the invisible barrier keeping her out of the kitchen and from stopping the fight. she stood there glaring at her crowded kitchen, and the mess they had already managed.

 

"I need to get in there and do some cooking!" said Mackie, while slapping Nori's bottom, propelling her across the floor. Thus arriving center-kitchen, Nori gasped as her pants got caught in a twist of abandoned octodogs and ripped revealing her chain mail undies. Loki asked, "You know Rain?" Nori blinked. "Just who eats chainmail?" asked Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon, ignoring Loki's question since it had dawned on him that time was running short. With a sweeping gesture Hel dissolved the invisible bouillon granules. "Soup's up the wall. Unexpectedly exploded. Serve yourself. Dessert, anyone?" asked Hot Sex Fairy, wearing creme brulee.

 

"mmmmmm....creme brulee", murmured a guest and all of them stared at a woman, skirt half-mast, long dark hair flying, and jewelled thong exposed.

 

Loki sauntered over, "You like my drag look?", he asked Rain. She examined his edible physique and growled, "I want the noodle you promised me the day your noodle went soft...oh and some tofu in soya"

"Do I look like Chinese takeaway?"

 

"Yes," yelled Mackie, "and I'm starving!"

Looking seriously alarmed, Loki glanced at the guests approaching him with cutlery, plates and hungry faces, but his retreat was foiled. "Barbecue?" Fire was already being lit.

"Bottom-shaped meatballs. Yum," TWANG was eyeing the prospective dish gleefully when fire alarms suddenly started to shrill which startled everyone into frenzied confusion. making good the forecast, sprinklers rained on friend and foe.

 

Within minutes firemen crashed the front door, and they carried chocolate cake and axes, and yelled, "Chocolate stripper-cake first course!" They put the cake down and started to unbutton their overalls, reavealing the gleam of jewelled thongs and glimpses of well-oiled buttocks. Ignoring the buttocks, Mackie eyed the cake, making a grab for a slice with a terrific depth of icing. It was snatched out of her hand by Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon, looking disgusted, saying, "5,000 calories per bite! With your weight problems -- "Shut up and give --" *Wham!!* TWANG, minus cake, landed on his butt while HotSexFairy, her lips chocolate-smeared, gave a lap dance – Loki wasn't complaining. Chocolate fudge frosting from France was dripping all over the place making for slippery dancing, and HotSexFairy was still dancing on …

Cursey, Lazy and Belch were singing Christmas carols, Hel was eyeing the chocolate cake with suspicion when out of the cake, sporting a piled-up hair-do came Dr. von Pfill avec tutu, in a perfect pirouette.

 

 

Loki jumped and caught an apple as it bounced off David von Pfill's head; taking his toupe minus ponytail, leaving his shiny pate glistening with sweat under the hot kitchen lights.

Outraged, von Pfill lunged after Loki. The jötun spun round, putting the wig on the stove where it started to emit a noxious odor, and von Pfill wailed, snatching it inspite of the flames already singeing its locks.

 

The firemen sprang into the fray, dousing Dr David von Phill and the boar that, marinated and oiled, awaited a good roasting. It slid off the worktop, slipped between Loki's legs and startled HotSexFairy into a pour-chilli-powder-on-boar state. Misjudging distances, she poured batter on fireman's hose, causing slipping, sliding, and frying when hot oil hit unsuspecting skin.

 

"OUCH!!!!"

"Yes, that's the starter - 'Ouchilean Salmon on toast'".

Solomon the fireman wailed, letting cold water run from the batter-fried hose onto boar, HotSexFairy & jötun, "Salmon, chocolate-caked asparagus served!"

Starting to look unwell, a guest asked for a bag or an antacid.

"Aunty Sid's bag is in the menu too," promised Solomon.

"Bag?" Mackie echoed faintly.

"Drag? You guessed? How?"

"IT'S-NOT-ABOUT-YOU!!!" Mackie yelled, exasperated. Loki looked justifiedly affronted, but it was Solomon stripping who had everybody's attention since out came, food for hungry eyes - cheese-and-fruit lining of overalls.

Everybody took a step forward when prawn cocktails made a miraculous entrance dripping with rich sauce, with lingering haggis undertones.

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A movement in the depths of the cocktails caused Rain to scream and throw her glass over Loki. Quickly unbuttoning his shirt, he managed to attract everyone's attention. Before he then could strip off further, Hel hurled a tea towel that was metamorphosing into a really heavy, sharp-edged knife to carve boar, lap-dancing fairy, or jötun into delicate sandwich filling. HotSexFairy caught it in between two hot buns with a distinct wince, clearly delighting Loki. Rain closed her eyes and hoped nobody would notice the missing choux puff from the croquembouche towering like Pisa with cream dangerously close to the prawn cocktail genie, now staring with rapt attention at cocktail slithering down, slowly but purposefully, the gap between Loki's bare chest and HotSexFairy's buns. With a squelch a particularly juicy prawn slid slimily down Loki's six-pack, only stopping when it hit Rain's tongue.

 

Loki purred. Hel yelled.

 

Everyone froze in place while vonPfill started sweating because his smouldering toupet was atop the croquembouche, wreaking havoc with caramel complete with dangling prawns, and then Rain whispered, "Should we serve the asparagus soup now?" Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon rose to the occasion and, with a flourish, began blowing the asparagus bits through a blowpipe at the bowls which were already holding the soup being served by Nori. She didn't much appreciate the noises guests made at the sight of the soup-splattered serving tray so chainmail-bracelets handcuffed them, at a safe distance from their soup bowls, in an orderly row.

 

After everyone was secured, Mackie yelled "Attention!" Bugles sounded and lights flashed and a silver sneaker began to CanCan kick servings of roast-boar antipasti to the hungry crowd. David von Pfill, with boar-smelling toupee, donned a fetching pinny made of fairy-thin pastry and tried to catch Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon's eye. Failing, he sadly chewed roast-boar while busying himself with the pastry with which he had dressed himself.

 

Outside the kitchen., Mackie was wrapping herself in clingfilm, leaving only her face uncovered. Hopping dodo-like she tried to get into a bright red Lamborghini. Distracted by watching Mackie, Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon crumbled his pinny, which left him bare from the waist down. Confronted with this view, the chained-up guests wailed and the firemen giggled and Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon face turned a fetching deep pink. Mackie, finally Lamborghini-ed, hit her head on the windshield, then the accelerator. With hair a-la-bride-of-frankenstein, Mackie disappeared with tyres squealing.

 

With a determined air, David von Pfill whipped a tea-towel against Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon's legs and yelled, "That's the spirit!". Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon grabbed the tea-towel and wrapped it around his exposed area.

 

"Chilly?", asked HotSexFairy with a speaking voice designed to thrill the newly-wrapped towel off.

 

***

 

Meanwhile, on the autobahn, the red Lamborghini was racing a fearsome looking 2CV with a sun-glassed lady driver who laughed maniacally while careening across all lanes. Mackie accelerated hard, her clingfilm wrapping fluttering in the wind coming in blasts along with ABBA and lots of insects.

 

"Dancing Queen, my asset!!!!" The red car was swerving across the road, tyres screeching, and the horn blaring out. Sirens and blue flashing lights put a premature end to Mackie's racing career. Just when she'd almost over-taken the 2CV, the police caught up. The machine-guns seemed excessive; the flame-thrower, too. But Mackie did not flinch.

 

"RAUS, Von Pfill!!!" The cops shouted over the megaphone.

 

Von Pfill popped up from the glove compartment, smoke billowing around him.

 

"What are you doing??? Accelerate!!!", he yelled and Mackie decided to go cross-country. Dust obscured the lamborghini, the police crashed into a space-time rift and the 2CV sprouted wings. Mackie inhaled her spliff, and smiling serenely, she winked at Von Pfill and began to sing.

 

"Mercy!", cried Von Pfill, "Stop!"

 

Mackie warbled, "In the Name of Love . . ."

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"Lard if you mean Von Pfill," interrupted Hel, appearing quite suddenly through the open sun-roof carrying chicken tikka masala in a beaded handbag. Von Pfill yelped and hid, sticking to Mackie's clingfilm -- it was too crowded inside the clingfilm -- and Hel tut-tutted, and began to unwrap the desperately struggling Dr. von Pfill.

 

"Silence!" insisted Mackie, as a pair of black birds stared in eerily from the hood of the still cruising Lamborgini. "They hear and see everything!"

 

The car was bumping on to the beach, the birds still perching and the tide approaching. One of the ravens said to the other, "They do not look very tasty, but we can't be picky when it's time for second-breakfast!"

"Hand over the chicken!", Raven1 pointed at Von Pfill who pulled out his invisibility cloak and disappeared. A befuddled toupee-in-hand Harry Potter appeared over a sand-dune, yelling, "Oy! My cloak!"

 

Raven2 made an attempt at the chicken handbag, getting his beak slapped by Hel and Mackie. Insulted, he cawed, "If I looked like you -" but before he could enlighten them, a huge karaoke stage emerged, blocking the road and causing the lamborghini to halt.

With a shriek of evil delight, Mackie jumped out and fell on Harry Potter whose wand poofed and turned Raven1 into Shah Rukh Khan while he himself, flattened beyond recognition, was able to vanish with Mackie.

 

Back at the dining hall in Hogwarts, "I'm not into teenagers!!!!" yelled Mackie desperately while trying to reach the wand which released an avalanche of sticky pink marshmallows labelled "twang" to defend her against the crowd of ketchup-bearing teenage wizards. Safe behind the goo, protected by the clingfilm, she looked around for some way to get nearer to the szechuan chicken on the far table, which Ron noted. He lifted his wand and Mackie was back with Shah Rukh Khan, duetting abysmally. All of Hogwarts (as audience) bemoaned Mackie's disappearance.

 

******

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Rain, in the smoke-riddled kitchen, decided to take charge. Raising her voice, she silenced the squabbling guests and cracked her whip, grabbed a big spoon to do karaoke impressions, revealing her sequined catsuit of black lace.

 

Suddenly Loki stood to attention, staring in deepest suspicion at the swaying sausages hanging ominously over the table from the chandelier. But before he could say anything the power blacked out. Darkness fell, so did the sausages and something considerably meatier. Hot Sexy Fairy squealed when something firm, hot and longish, that wasn't Loki, landed splat in her lap. Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon reached into Hot Sexy Fairy's lap, fumbling around in darkness. Suddenly light came from Loki's upturned hand, shining on the action happening between HotsexFairy, Tiberius Warren Ambrosius Norman Gordon and the sausage in Twang's grasp. "Want some mustard?" asked Rain, while everyone else licked their lips at the sight of Loki handling a frying-pan.

 

Within minutes the sausages were sizzling merrily while everybody crowded around the chef. Rain sliced bread, HotSexFairy poured wine, and from the hallway a crash heralded the return (of) cling-filmed Mackie with sacks of filched Hogwartian cookies and a wand. Suddenly Shah Rukh Khan started to play with his instrument, a pocket-sized, pink sitar. Hel dragged von Pfill across and hissed, "Make sure you get the onions and then disappear swiftly before anyone notices." He fluttered his eyelashes and edged towards the onions.

 

"Onions!" cried Loki, and whirled around to grab a huge shiny cleaver which became a tutu. He threw it down and grabbed the onions when a misdirected wand-wave made them explode into floating creme brulee. "Dessert?"

Like American football players watching porn, the guests drooled and then jumped, everybody collapsing in a heap, Loki the crème-bruléed center. Mackie noticed that Hel was stealing away. With one swish, Mackie turned and blocked her way, turning her into creme brulee.

 

Looking at the helpless Hel being slobbered upon, Mackie hissed, "You forgot my kitchen!"

"Give wand!" blubbered the blancmange, and syrup dribbled.

"Kitchen first!"

The dessert quaked, and a burst of dodo feathers accompanied a thunderbolt, "There!" Hel brulee squeaked.

Mackie stuck the wand into Hot Sex Fairy, skewering her, Loki, and Hel brulée, and they suddenly disappeared. Nobody noticed; everybody was stuffed. Rain said to Mackie, "We'll have to rob a bank to pay for all the clingfilm you used up."

 

THE END

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